Some of you are new to our city. In the interest of public safety, I wish to help. A friend recently sent me a set of driving rules for Dallas. You'll find them essential, I think.

If your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it away and buy a new one. If you're in Denton County and your Mapsco is one day old, it is already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

Morning rush hour is from 6 to 10; evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour begins Thursday night.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, yelled at and possibly shot.

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it's probably a factory defect.

f. Roads change names without reason. For instance, Lake Highlands Drive, when it crosses Northwest Highway, becomes Plano Road. It is then Avenue K, Greenville Avenue, and Highway 5 before ending in Sherman.

It is possible to be driving west in the northbound lane of East Northwest Highway. Do not let this confuse you.

You can tell who your enemies are when driving in Dallas: they're everyone else. When you're out of your car, it's not so obvious. At least not to you. They don't talk to you, just about you.

A "Dear Abby" column once carried this essay: "My name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice. I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives. I am cunning and malicious, and gather strength with age. The more I am quoted the more I am believed. My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face. To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become. I am nobody's friend. Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same. Even my name hisses. I am called Gossip."

What do we do about gossip? Social psychologist Nicholas Emler has concluded that gossip forms as much as 80% of a normal person's conversation in a day. What cures this disease of the tongue and the soul? Jesus will tell us today.